CANBERRA – AUSTRALIAN Iron Ore bound for China is being spiked with sophisticated nano-bugs which allow Canberra to watch and listen to millions of Chinese conversations around the People’s Republic.

The technology, first developed by Mexican drug cartels for use in the United States, turns steel made from it, and therefore entire buildings, into surveillance platforms. No need to bug a building any more. The building is the bug.

“The Yanks have had to tear down dozens of key buildings all over the place,” said Professor Issac Mencap, fellow at the Attila Institute, a right-wing strategy think tank based in Woolgoolga, New South Wales. “The problem is, the little nanobots – they’re the size of an atom – escape, and weird signals then begin to shoot all over the place, from every conceivable place. I mean who wants to watch some bloody Aussie larrikin wanking on the shitter?

“And can you imagine images of President Xi in the bath turning up on your PC?

“Still, it’s a great boost for ASIS (Australian Secret Intelligence Service) overseas, though I’ve heard ASIO (Australian Security Intelligence Organisation) has set up a reno company in Sydney, using this stuff to spy on ordinary Aussies. Be careful about who does your house extension and that new carport you ordered, I guess.”

The Australian Government refused to comment on the revelations. “We don’t comment on security matters,” a spokesman said.