MOUNT OLYMPUS THE ALMOST COMPLETE absence of ancient Greek gods from Christopher Nolan’s epic film, The Odyssey, has sent the pantheon of these deities into a thunderous rage as they claim that *theophobia is behind the decision to virtually exclude them from the tale. “While the gods are mentioned in Nolan’s oeuvre, the only one…

FROM OUR BRONZE AGE CORRESPONDENT D.T. RUMP AS PRAISE FLOWS from all corners of the Christopher Nolan Fanverse, his latest movie The Odyssey has seen an enormous internet search for translations of the phrase “Fuck Off” into ancient Greek, following its use in the film’s dialogue. “This could be a tipping point,” says Dr Lorcan…

WASHINGTON, DC AS MILLIONS OF tons of smoke pour south across the US border from Canada, the hardass immigration agents of ICE have been put on high alert, with orders to use all means necessary to send the foul-smelling, choking particles back to where they came from. “This smoke is from Canadian wildfires, it has…

BUENOS AIRES FOLLOWING THE WHITE House’s shock backing of the Argentinian soccer team’s recent claim on the Falkland Islands, a British strategic commentator has suggested that Donald Trump might be thinking about invading the islands, then handing them over to Argentina in exchange for base rights and resource concessions. “This is the kind of deal…

FROM OUR PRISON CULTURE WRITERS A NEW RULING elite, whose calling card is a body covered in tattoos, is being christened the Tattocracy by social commentators. “This is essentially an evolution of American prison and street gang culture that has bled first into entertainment and sports, and then into the general population,” says Dr Beck…

BUENOS AIRES A NEW SONG, celebrating Argentina’s victory over England in the semi-finals of the World Cup, has gone straight in to number one in the South American country’s hit parade. Football’s Going Home, said to have been written in the time between Argentina’s winning goal and the end of the match, begins with the…

FROM OUR TELECOMMUNICATIONS WRITERS FRESH ON THE heels of President Donald Trump’s successful appeal to FIFA, for Folarin Balogun’s World Cup red card match suspension to be lifted so that he might play against Belgium, Germany is now said to be considering an appeal against Geoff Hurst’s controversial third goal in the famous 1966 World…

LEXINGTON A FRESH THEORY on an old question has seen an Iranian historian suggest that the confused first shot of the American War of Independence, fired at Lexington in April, 1775, may actually have been someone among the crowd of spectators there that morning, farting. “Arguments about who fired first, the British regulars or the…

SHEDIAC, CANADA A NEW STUDY conducted in Canada and Tasmania has confirmed what has been known to fishermen and divers for decades: Lobsters play golf. “They use their claws as clubs and can be seen hitting small pebbles on the ocean floor towards what can only be described as holes marked by thin saltwater plants,”…

JO’BURG EDITOR, PIK N PATRUNIZE UK BETE NOIR Tommy Robinson could avoid the worst of the criticism thrown at him in his home country, if he moved his anti-immigrant focus to South Africa, according to a Capetown media analyst. “In South Africa, huge crowds of armed demonstrators have been intimidating foreigners – yes, other Africans…