from our business desk

GRAND CAYMAN – THE CONTINUED GROWTH OF SO-CALLED “HYPOCRISY FUNDS” HAS BEEN HIGHLIGHTED BY THE RECENT SUPERFUND EMBARRASSMENT OF AUSTRALIAN GREENS LEADER ADAM BANDT.

THESE FUNDS SHORT SELL INVESTMENTS OWNED BY FAMOUS PEOPLE – POLICITIANS, CELEBRITIES, RELIGIOUS LEADERS – WHICH CONTRADICT THE EXPRESS PRINCIPLES OF THE FAMOUS INDIVIDUAL INVESTED IN THE PARTICULAR STOCK OR INSTRUMENT.

“SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE AN ABSOLUTE FORTUNE OUT OF SHORTING HYPOCRISY,” OLEG ROMANOFF A RUSSIAN OLIGARCH TURNED UKRAINIAN OLIGARCH TURNED OFF-SHORE HEDGE FUND MANAGER TOLD A RECENT CONFERENCE. FORGET CRYPTO.”

RON SHARP, CHIEF EXECUTIVE OF 16 TRILLION DOLLAR VULTURE FUND MONGOL OUTCOMES, SAYS “IT’S REALLY AMAZING WHAT HYPOCRISY CAN DO TO A SHARE PRICE. NO MATTER HOW GOOD THE PROFITS, ONE WHIFF FOR THE HYPOCRISY SHORTS AND IT’S STRAIGHT TO THE TOILET. SO THESE FUNDS, THEY PROWL THE WORLD FOR HYPOCRITICAL INVESTMENTS, AND THEN POUNCE. FIRST IN, LONGEST FALL. AND WHEN THEY’VE DONE THEIR WORK, FUNDS LIKE MONGOL CAN THEN MOVE IN FOR THE KILL AND MAYBE BUY UP THE BUSINESS FOR A SONG.

“IT REALLY IS A GREAT TIME FOR THIS STRATEGY. THE KEY IS SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. THERE’S NEVER BEEN SO MUCH SELF-RIGHTEOUS SANCTIMONY AROUND, NOT SINCE THE DAYS OF WITCH HUNTING ANYWAY. IN THE OLD DAYS YOU JUST COULDN’T GET FUND MANAGERS AND TRADERS INTERESTED – I SUPPOSE THEY COULDN’T SEE THE PROBLEM. NOW, YOU IDENTIFY A HYPOCRITICAL INVESTMENT, YOU POST IT ON ONE OF THE USEFUL IDIOT INTERNET SITES, YOU START SHORTING AND A GAZILLION OF THESE LITTLE VIRTUE-SIGNALERS START SHORTING WITH YOU. JOB DONE. SORTED. YEAH, WOKE REALLY HAS SUPERCHARGED IT, BELIEVE ME. AND IF YOU WANT A SECOND BITE AT THE APPLE, AND MAYBE A FEW MORE, YOU START BUYING AT THE BOTTOM, CREATE A SHORT SQUEEZE, AND UP GOES THE SHARE UNTIL YOU BEGIN SELLING AGAIN. HIGH FIVE, MATE. VIRTUE-SIGNALLING FOREVER AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED. GO GRETA.

“HONESTLY, THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO WATCH FOR NOW IS WHAT’S CALLED IN THE TRADE THE ‘DOUBLE HYPOCRITE’, WHERE A FAMOUS PERSON BUYS A FEW SHARES IN SOMETHING THEY SAY THEY DESPISE, THEN JOINS THE SHORT FRENZY. THAT’S A WRECKER. ANY SIGN THAT A HYPOCRITE MADE MONEY ON ONE OF THESE SHORTS, IT’S BLOODY GAME OVER MATE. THAT’S SANCTIMONY FOR YOU. BUMMER.”

IN THE MEANTIME, MEN LIKE OLEG CAN CONTINUE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEIR INVESTMENT STRATEGIES: “YES, IT IS THE BEST KIND OF ETHICAL INVESTING. YOU FEEL REALLY CLEAN WHEN YOU HAVE BLACKENED A HYPOCRITE AND SQUEEZED THE LIFE OUT OF THEIR PENSION FUND, OR LONG POSITION IN ARMS OR FOSSIL FUELS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT; AND, OF COURSE, MADE ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF TO AFFORD A DAMIEN HURST OR FRONT ROW TICKETS AT A ROLLING STONES CONCERT. HYPOCRISY ROCKS. INCIDENTALLY, I HAVE A YACHT FOR SALE IF ANYONE OUT THERE IS INTERESTED. ONLY ONE PREVIOUS OWNER. FELL FROM A WINDOW. THE OWNER, NOT THE YACHT.”