BY OUR SPACE CADET REPORTER VENUS PORTAL

BAIKONUR, MONDAY – LIGHT HAS BEEN RECORDED TRAVELLING FASTER THAN ITSELF, AND WE MIGHT BE THE CAUSE.

LIGHT FROM THE SUN HAS BEEN CLOCKED TAKING A FRACTION OF A SECOND LESS TIME TO REACH EARTH THAN IT SHOULD ON AT LEAST FIFTEEN OCCASIONS IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS.

NORMALLY, LIGHT TAKES ABOUT 8 MINUTES AND TWENTY SECONDS TO REACH EARTH FROM OUR NEAREST STAR, DEPENDING ON THE DISTANCE BECAUSE THE EARTH’S ORBIT IS ELLIPTICAL. THIS MEANS THAT WHEN YOU SEE THE SUN GO DOWN IN THE EVENING, IT’S ALREADY BEEN DOWN FOR A QUITE A WHILE BEFORE YOU VIEW THE EVENT. YOU ARE STARING INTO THE PAST. INDEED, WHENEVER YOU LOOK INTO THE NIGHT SKY, YOU ARE LOOKING FURTHER AND FURTHER INTO HISTORY.

“BECAUSE LIGHT IS NOT INSTANTANEOUS, EVEN HERE ON EARTH IT TAKES LIGHT A VERY SMALL PERIOD OF TIME TO REACH THE HUMAN EYE, SO WE ARE ALWAYS SEEING THE PAST, NEVER THE PRESENT, NEVER MIND THE FUTURE,” EXPLAINS DR WERNER NEWTON FELLOW OF THE ALCHEMY ACADEMY, A ROME-BASED CONSULTANCY PERFORMING RESEARCH INTO ALTERING MATTER BY CHANGING THE VIBRATION OF FUNDAMENTAL STRINGS.

A NOBEL PRIZE LAUREATE, DR NEWTON SAYS THE CURIOUS THING ABOUT THE CHANGES IN LIGHT SPEED IS THAT THEY HAVE OCCURRED WHEN THE CERN LARGE HADRON COLLIDER NEAR GENEVA, SWITZERLAND, IS PERFORMING PARTICLE EXPERIMENTS.

“FIRST OF ALL WE BELIEVED THE READINGS WERE IN ERROR. BUT THEN WE DISCOVERED THAT EACH TIME THE ANOMALY HAS OCCURRED, THE CERN BOYS HAVE BEEN PLAYING WITH THEIR PARTICLES. FUNNY, NO?

“IT COULD BE THAT WE’RE ACTUALLY CRIMPING SPACETIME, YOU KNOW, LIKE A LITTLE FOLD, AND MAKING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN EARTH AND SUN A LITTLE SHORTER. THAT WOULD MEAN LIGHT IS NOT TRAVELLING ANY FASTER THAN IT’S SUPPOSED TO – DON’T PANIC, EINSTEIN – BUT IT THEN OPENS UP INTERESTING ISSUES WITH RESPECT TO THE MANIPULATION OF SPACETIME. THIS IS KINDA COOL.

“OF COURSE, THERE IS A DOWNSIDE: IF WE KEEP FOLDING SPACE TIME WE MIGHT BRING THE SUN CLOSER TO OUR PLANET, AND THAT WOULD NOT BE COOL. THE VERY OPPOSITE INDEED. GLOBAL WARMING, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.