BELGRADE, THURSDAY – AN IRISH CONSTRUCTION TYCOON HAS OFFERED TO BUILD A MOUNTAIN RANGE ALONG THE BORDER BETWEEN UKRAINE AND RUSSIA TO SOLVE A MAJOR ISSUE AT THE HEART OF THE CURRENT WAR BETWEEN THE TWO COUNTRIES.

PROPERTY DEVELOPER PADRAIG ACREAGE TOLD THE BUGLE: “YEAH, IF THE UNITED NATIONS AND THE EUROPEAN UNION AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA WILL PUT UP THE CASH, WE CAN HAVE A NICE MOUNTAIN RANGE IN PLACE BY AUGUST; THAT’S WHAT THE RUSSIANS WANT, ISN’T IT? I MEAN, THEY’RE LOOKING AT THE POLISH GAP AND THE OTHER GAPS AROUND THE CARPATHIANS, YOU KNOW, LIKE, FOR DEFENCE AND ALL, AGAINST NATO. WELL, IF THEY HAD A DEFENSIVE MOUNTAIN RANGE RIGHT ALONG THE UKRAINIAN BORDER THEN THEY WOULDN’T NEED TO PUSH THAT FAR FORWARD, WOULD THEY? AND IT WOULD BE GREAT CRAIC FOR SKIING.”

MR AGREAGE, WHO WENT SPECTACULARLY BANKRUPT, OWING ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY BILLION EUROS, IN 2012, LEFT IRELAND AHEAD OF A WARRANT IN 2013, AND SPENT A DECADE BUILDING TROPHY HOMES FOR TAX EXILES AROUND THE WORLD BEFORE RE-EMERGING ON THE AUSTRALIAN PROPERTY SCENE IN 2021, WHEN HE BOUGHT SYDNEY.

“YEP. I BOUGHT IT ON A FRIDAY, FLIPPED ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY. NO ONE EVEN KNEW,” HE CONFIRMED. “AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE.”

HIS OFFER HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO MOSCOW AND KYIV. WASHINGTON HAS ASKED FOR A QUOTE. THE EUROPEAN UNION IS HESITANT. IT SAYS EUROPEAN MOUNTAIN RANGES ARE A MATTER FOR ITS MOUNTAIN COMMITTEE WHICH ONLY SITS EVERY THIRD WEDNESDAY OF EVERY SECOND MONTH. THE UNITED NATIONS MERELY INQUIRED WHETHER ITS OFFICIALS WOULD BE GIVEN FREE PASSES TO THE SKI SLOPES.

“SURE THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A MOUNTAIN RANGE TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER,” MR ACREAGE ADDED. “MUCH BETTER THAN FLAT MUD PLAINS AND COAL MINES. NICE SNOW COVERED PEAKS, SMALL EASY TO PLUG VALLEYS, I MEAN IT’S AN IKEA SOLUTION.”

AND THE COST?

“NOT MUCH MORE THAN THIS FUCKIN’ WAR, AND FAR LESS BLOOD,” MR ACREAGE REMARKED.