POLITICAL REPORTER ROSS BLAND IN ASUNCION, PARAGUAY

Former members of the NAZI Party across Europe, and in South America, have complained to the BBC over Gary Lineker’s comments comparing the British Government’s immigration policy language to that of Nazi Germany.

“We were very kind to immigrants,” says Helmut Goebbels, a former Untersturmfuhrer in the Waffen SS, and later a CIA agent. “VolksDeutsche, for instance, Lord Haw Haw, King Edward VIII und Mrs Simpson, Unity Mitford, the Vatican, all those various businessmen from Britain and America who we dealt with; we looked after them all and spoke kindly of them and to them. Und what about the millions of foreign workers we took in during the war? Work for everyone. How would allied prisoners of war have escaped if we had not done that?*Arbeit Macht Frei, eh? It’s a little joke. No, I take it back. Forgive me. Old habits. I can’t be charged for that, can I? Tell you what, let’s erase it, ja?”

And the Jews?

“Well, they were already in Germany. Ja? Not migrants, you see. So any comparison does not apply, you understand? And anyway, before the war, we assisted them by helping them to find new countries. Not easy in the 1930s. Because nobody else wanted them. Put that in your Vape and smoke it. And, believe me, many of those Jews were very thankful for what we did, because of what happened later, that I had no knowledge of, of course. I am not a beast. And there is no proof that I am, or was. Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.

“So yes, I believe we were kind to the Jews in the 1930s, though we spoke, and perhaps acted, shall we say, a little harshly, at times. And things – of which I again insist I had no knowledge – did get out of hand. Indeed, in many ways, we were way ahead of even that Schindler fellow. Tens of thousands of German Jews were saved, you know, by Nazi policy in the 1930s. There really should be a movie about it, you know, Hitler’s List, or The Fuhrer’s Ark. Where is Steven Spielberg when you need him? Again sorry, mein emotions, they get the better of me at times.

“Anyway, to speak of us in the same breath as the those vulgar Brexit cretins in London, is an insult. Please spare me any comparisons. The British and the bloody war. Every time something bad happens, it’s the damn Nazis again. Do they ever let go? I blame Basil Fawlty, I really do.”

Other former Nazis maintain that they were migration victims themselves during the Hitler period.

“Yes, it was the Germans who were the badly-treated immigrants during those times,” said 110-year-old Oberst Ernst Dachau, who now lives deep in the Amazon. “Anywhere we went, we were forced out. The Russians, I’m telling you, they used terrible language towards us and treated us as badly as the British Government is now proposing to treat its immigrants. I ended up in Siberia, mein gott. Rwanda? We wanted to send our Jews to Madagascar and we were condemned. If you live long enough, ja?

“So, I would ask Herr Lineker to withdraw his remarks. Good striker, I remember him well from that Gazza moment in World Cup 1990. Very touching. Clearly officer material. By the way, that third goal in 1966, it never crossed the line. I know this. *Heil Hitler!”

*Ed – the comments of quoted persons in no way reflects the editorial policy of The Kookaburra Bugle. We are, however, bound by journalistic standards to report news as we find it. Warts and all. We trust our readers understand and we thank them for their forbearance.