OUR INVESTIGATION UNIT

RECENTLY OBTAINED EMAILS reveal that the entire United States’ Sixth Fleet was kidnapped by Somali pirates several years ago, and only released when a ransom was paid.

The emails, intercepted by Chinese Military Intelligence, using one of their deep-penetration high-altitude balloons, throw light on an incident the Pentagon had wished would not surface this century.

The Sixth Fleet consists of 40 ships, including aircraft carriers and submarines, 175 aircraft and 21,000 personnel. It is based in Naples, Italy, and patrols the eastern Atlantic, the Mediterranean Sea and the east coast of Africa as far as southern Somalia.

It was conducting an exercise with the US Fifth Fleet, which is responsible for the Persian Gulf, when it appears it was overwhelmed by the pirates, who took all US personnel hostage.

“Hey, it was night time, and we weren’t expecting it,” one of the emails states. “Shit bad intel, bro.”

“Bummer, how embarrassing,” came the reply

“We weren’t that concerned about the personnel or the carriers and other ships, it was the nukes we just had to get back,” explains another email. “Our boys and girls were safe on a beach. Steaks and beer all round. We said it was shore leave. The pirates took good care of our ships and a deal was in place by sunrise. No one was any the wiser.”

Fears that the Somalis would sell the whole fleet to North Korea came to nothing when a personal message from Tom Hanks, who is a particular favorite of Somalis after the success of his movie Captain Phillips put Somalian piracy on the map for American audiences, sealed a deal for the fleet’s release.

Washington says the Chinese are mischief making.

However, a request for surf boards seems to give the emails strong credibility.

The White House repeated its standard advice that it does not negotiate with terrorists.

“It did cost us a shit-load,” another email explained. “But we disguised it as expensive machine tools.”