LONDON, ENGLAND –

A MAN dubbed Britain’s stupidest human being, following his victory in a tabloid newspaper competition, has caused some considerable embarrassment to the British Government, by asking a spokesman for the British Prime Minister why is it, if Northern Ireland, as Sunak says, is in a dream position with access to European Union and United Kingdom markets due to its Brexit protocol, that the Government says the United Kingdom leaving this same dream position is a good thing?

Norbert Crumb, a Millwall Football Club supporter with an IQ slightly below that of an Central African gorilla, asked the question at a Conservative Party debate at its new Stonehenge think tank facility.

“I was in the paras, I bloody served in Northern Ireland,” said Mr Crumb during a furious question and answer session. “I thought it was as British as Gibraltar or the Falklands, or that place where we deported all the inhabitants so the yanks could us it as an air base. So why do the Northern Irelanders, why do they get the cream and we seem to be gettin’ the fuckin’ sour milk?”

Mr Sunak’s spokesman, after an awkward pause, came out fighting. “Well, did you vote for Brexit?” he asked Mr Crumb.

“Do you mean did I vote to get rid of the immigrants and bring back the Empire?” Crumb said. “Of course I bloody did.”

“To take back control, you mean?” the spokesman asked.

“Control? I’m unemployed, homeless and dying of treatable cancer,” Mr Crumb said. “I just want the fuckin’ foreigners gone and my England back. Before I go, you know.”

“Well you have it,” a Tory MP shouted from his hunting steed before galloping away into the distance. “What are you whinging about?” he roared as he chased a terrified fox to its destruction.

“But I don’t appear to have what the Northern Irelanders have, do I?” Mr Crump said. “None of us has. And that’s the best there is. The Prime Minister, he said so. “So why the Northern Irelanders and not us?” Crump asked again.

“That’s because they’re *Arish, and **Aweland is still in the European Union,” said the Prime Minister’s spokesman. “Which we have left.”

“But I was sure they was British. How can they not be British?”

“Well, quite a few of them don’t want to be. That’s why you were there.”

“I thought I was there fighting invaders. Who doesn’t want to be British? I mean half the fucking world wants to be British. Typical fucking paddies. How long have these micks not wanted to be British?”

“Not for quite some time now. We don’t broadcast it, we just pay their bills and give them special treatment.”

“So they won’t shoot at us no more,” someone added.

“Fuck me. How do I get a piece of what they have?” Mr Crump said after some consideration.

“Have you got an Irish granny?” someone else yelled.

“Actually, I have,” said the spokesman.

*Posh English way of pronouncing “Irish”

**Posh English way of pronouncing “Ireland”

– ED