ASPEN, COLORADO –

GWYNETH PALTROW’S AURA may be the real culprit in the incident which has landed the Hollywood star in court, says Mystic Mogadon, a spiritualist and healer based in Bel Air, Los Angeles.

“Yeah man, if an aura starts to break free, that’s a disruptor right there. All that energy. It’s quite clear from the court video that her aura’s suffered a disruptive shock, and if it made its move at the crucial moment, then things begin to make sense in this trial,” the self-confessed Shaman said. “Conscious Uncoupling is the technical term.

“A consciously uncoupled aura is a dangerous thing. Who knows where it will go or what it will do. Cleansing is the key.

“I perform aura cleansing for clients on a regular basis. Particularly Movie Stars. Their auras tend to have a life of their own. It can ruin careers and lives if an aura breaks free at the wrong moment, say during a love scene or when a star is trying to grapple with multi-syllable dialogue. Or when their career is on a down slope.

“One of my aura cleansing baths, consisting of frogs legs, mushrooms, nettles and egg yolk, they’re fantastic for returning the aura to equilibrium. Especially good when you have one at the appropriate moment for your star sign. I could put Gwyneth in one of my baths. It’s little things like that that are the difference between success and failure in any venture, be it business or even skiing.

“It was, like, weird, you know, to launch that Goop thing from her kitchen. I could have told her that. Bad medicine. The kitchen is where we prepare and cook. We don’t launch from a kitchen. We consume in a kitchen. You see the difference? You launch from your porch, your front door, the exit. The Feng Shui on a second Moon in Pisces, is fantastic.

“Creams and crystals, powders and incense, you just can’t use ’em without knowing what can happen. Lifestyle is much more than life or style, we say in the spirit game; it’s a whole, know what I mean? And if you get it wrong then the whole can begin to come apart. One of the first signs is often aura separation.

“That aura of hers, it seemed very troubled when I studied it. It’s suffering, I can tell you that. I said to myself, ‘Mogadon, that aura, despite the fame, despite the fortune, it wants out’. Aura Abandonment, we call it. Disastrous for any lifestyle career. When the style deserts the life, as we say. Where was she? Somewhere in Utah? What’s that? She should have come to Aspen.

“Anyway, I am willing to give expert evidence if called. Usual rates.”