BY XI JINPING CHINESE AFFAIRS EDITOR

CLAIMS THAT Chinese submarine was sighted off the sleepy New South Wales coastal town of Coffs Harbour, have been dismissed by Australian Defence sources.

“Rough weather, high seas; Bruce takes his missus for an ocean root and suddenly there’s a Chinese periscope off the coast,” said a Canberra spokesman.

“You can’t believe all you see. It was probably a snorkel or something else that’s long and hard and sticks up. Jesus, did I say that?

“Anyway, if there were menacing Chinese submarines off our coast, don’t you think we’d know? No, don’t answer that.

“Coffs Harbour, what’s that? A retirement community for dolphins. What would the Chinese be doing there? I suppose Russell Crowe lives nearby, that’s something. Crikey, the Chinese kidnapping Maximus, shit, that would be embarrassing for Albo. Nah, it’s the Hemsworth boys now, they’re the stars. But they’re up in Byron, aren’t they?”