OUR MEDICAL STAFF

US GOVERNMENT figures now indicate that media courses are more available to its citizens than doctors.

“Fat lot of fucking good that is if I have a heart attack,” remarked Harlan Lepke of the Americans for One Day More, a pressure group for people who can’t get medical care in America. “What do I do, call Tucker Carlson?”

The numbers have shocked the Democrat side of Congress. Republicans, however, say it is a sign of a healthy democracy that so much effort is going into the area of free speech. “The First Amendment is obviously in rude health, alive and kicking,” says Henry Barton-Malthus, a Red State GOP donor who made his money in fossil fuels. “Unlike those commie fags who do no work and sit about using drugs all day. No wonder our the health system’s in such a damn mess. No health system could cope with the strain placed upon them by these useless sons of bitches. No matter how many doctors we trained, it would never be enough.”

Fr Heinrich Massage, a Catholic priest who runs charity online medical chatbots across the United States, pointed out that the proliferation of media at least meant the medical crisis gets some air time. “You have to see the silver lining in any cloud,” he said. “Otherwise you’d be lining up at the doctor’s surgery for medication. And that’s a long line.”

“Shit, if I’m going down I want Maria Bartiromo looking after me,” Harlan Lepke commented. “At least I’ll die smiling.”