STAFF REPORTERS

DESPERATE dog owners everywhere will be reeling in horror at the results of a new examination of pooch brain activity over recent months.

Sensors planted inside thousands of canine heads indicate that precisely when dogs appear to be most excited by the presence of their owners, when they are wagging their tails and supposedly jumping with delight, with beaming eyes and joy all over their faces, that is when the part of their brains associated with savage aggression and hatred is most active.

“Dogs are a pack animal,” explained Dr John Walk a research vet who took part in the experiment. “They’re used to knowing their place and pleasing pack leaders. This is necessary for the pack to function and obtain food. It also means they’re good at concealing their true feelings. As long as owners keep them fed they have nothing to fear.

“However, should an owner neglect to feed an animal, then the dog will eventually revert to type. We’ve seen owners torn apart by their cute pets for even one missed meal. Or even the wrong kind of meal. I mean, the latter is unusual, dogs are not picky eaters, but it’s not unknown.

“Owners have to be aware that essentially all the canine love they think they are getting is nothing more than a mask. Their dogs, at base level, loathe them and want to eat them but know that while one meal is fine, being fed for the rest of your life is better. They are so disciplined and such good actors. You have to admire it.”

Robert Heel, an expert in pet psychology, agreed with Dr Walk. “I spend much of my time examining the core personality of pet animals, and what I see in dogs is frankly scary. They haven’t changed since they were wolves; all they have done is develop the ability to conceal it. All that love and affection, it’s so much baloney. They want your throat.”

“Indeed, the smaller the dog the more vicious the brainwave patterns,” says Angus Bone, a university research analyst. “You know those tiny little fluff ball dogs, that rich elderly women prefer, God, what they’re thinking when they’re being fed, if it were a human, you’d say they were a psychopath, a serial killer. Pure unadulterated hate. Uncomfortable, no? Truth often is.”