TORONTO, CANADA

THE use of transsexual pronouns is beginning to have an impact on communication in English, and act as a brake on economic activity and output, says a senior academic.

“In the old days,” says Professor Enda Manic, an economist who studies links between languages and economic output, “English was a very flexible tool, honed in the slave and sugar trade, imperial in its effects, really useful in business and trade, a tongue that gets to the point quickly. Very Germanic, despite the amount of French words it contains. Pronouns in particular were very specific. Short and sweet. A business winner.

“The introduction of these new transsexual pronouns, particularly where they are controversial, has been demonstrated to cause more than the average pause for thought in people before they speak, and even as they speak. This has in turn led to a discernible slowdown in communication times and, inevitably, business activity, in areas where trans pronoun use is most pronounced.

“We’re only at the starting gate of this development. We can anticipate that fresh pronoun demand will increase and with that increase, English will slow further and economic output will continue to proportionately decline. It’s fascinating. But I suppose individual human rights demands take precedence over all things, no matter what the cost. Don’t they?”