FROM OUR AFRICA EDITOR CECIL RHODES

CALIFORNIANS WHO have grown weary of the state’s tortuous journey to egalitarian utopia are increasingly seeking refuge in Zimbabwe.

“It began as a trickle, and is developing into a veritable torrent,” said April Crystal of the Close Your Eyes And You Will Be Fine Foundation in Palo Alto. “We’ve been encouraging Californians, who are appalled by the state of their state, to just close their eyes and imagine a better place. And many have found their paradise in Zimbabwe.”

“We tried Cuba and Venezuela,” said Preston Balls, a former tech billionaire from Orange County, “but they wouldn’t have us. Said Californians were too left wing for them. Zimbabwe just asked if we were bringing dollars. We move next week.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Rhonda Help from San Diego, “it’s gonna be so dope in Zimbabwe. We’re so excited. It’s awesome. We’re getting out of California, I cannot believe it. This has been our dream for years. Thank you, Zimbabwe. Thank you.”

“Like millions of others, these people just want a better life,” said Xavier Sutter, a distant relative of the owner of the mill where the 1849 California Gold Rush had its origins. “And compared to California, Zimbabwe seems to tick all the boxes.”