BY HUGH COWARD, DEFENCE REPORTER

HIGH OCTANE CHINESE MILITARY exercises off Taiwan have seen Canberra send a top secret diplomatic mission to Beijing, to plead with Chinese leaders not to start a war, that Australia might be forced to join, for at least 20 years, as Australia is not ready for such a fight.

“Old Uncle Oz is banking on the AUKUS submarines but that’s decades away, if it works. It just wouldn’t be fair of the Chinese to start a war now, I’ve told them that,” says mission leader former Prime Minister Harold Holt from the secret location he fled to in 1967 after he found himself “accidentally” drafted by his own Government for the Vietnam War.

Holt, who was believed to have drowned, has in fact been acting as a private go-between for Australian governments of all hues, around south-east Asia, for the past fifty years. It’s always been understood that he was taken to North Korea after he “drowned”.

Now 115 years old, he keeps healthy by a combination of yoga, practicing North Korean law, and drinking green tea. He’s on good terms with the Chinese who respect old age in a way Australians do not, an insider says.

The Chinese have yet to respond to the Australian request. “We’re thinking about it,” said a senior Beijing official. “Just thinking about it.”