BY OUR CONSPIRACY EDITOR J.F. KENNEDY

THE DEATH OF the man said to be Irish Republican Army informer Stakeknife (or Stake Knife) (or Steaknife) (or Steak Knife) has caused chaos in the conspiracy world.

Freddie Scappaticci, said to be the IRA’s head of internal security for much of the 1980s, was outed two decades ago as a British agent, a charge which he denied before he fled to England.

Lurid tales of his interrogation methods have peppered British Tabloids for years.

“He was the Luca Brasi of the IRA,” one former IRA volunteer said from New Zealand where he was taken after betraying his comrades for a six-figure sum. “You could always hear the Godfather music in your head whenever Scap was at work. He used to eat a lot of fish and chips when he worked. Are you sure he’s dead? I mean defo?”

Such is the excitement Scappaticci’s death has caused among the conspiracy theorist community that there are not enough outlets for all of them to give their tuppence worth on what’s happened, so calls have gone out for a Conspiracy Conference to be held in Croke Park, Dublin, a Conspiracom.

“Look, Scap’s death means everything he was involved with suddenly – and conveniently – shuts up shop. Nothing to see here,” says investigative journalist Abraham Lincoln of the political website DeValera v Collins. “Just because you’re paranoia doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.”

“It’s the secrecy of it all, isn’t it?” said Fr Ryan O’Donovan Rossa, who played a small role in the Good Friday Agreement negotiations. “Dead and buried in secret. In England. You have to wonder.”

“Look, the Northern Ireland Troubles is the wet dream of conspiracy theorists on our side of the Atlantic,” said former IRA Chief of Staff Colonel Rupert DePfuffle Kitson-Nairac. “It went on for so long and things got so complicated that no one ever quite knew who everyone was working for. You know it was British Intelligence who actually gave the order for the Brighton Bombing? Quite by accident. Very embarrassing. Mrs T nearly lost her mind when she found out. She was never the same. We’re expecting thousands will come to this conference. Some obviously wearing balaclavas to protect their identity.”

Ex-UDA Brigadier, Hermann Goring, speaking from Scotland where he is in hiding from former comrades, says he will appear at any conference by Zoom. “I would not feel safe in Dublin,” he said. “Not because of the IRA or anything, I’ve made my peace with those lads, no, it’s the Dublin establishment I fear. It’s so riddled with British agents that word’s bound to get back to Portadown that I’m on the island again. I’ve got an Irish passport now, you know. Well, the wife loves Ibiza and the queues after Brexit are something terrible for British passport holders. You have to be practical.”

Sir Aiden Delicious Tofu Burke, a doyen of the Irish conspiracy movement, a man who believes he is someone else and has spent his life trying to find out who, says he will chair the conference. “For a small fee obviously,” he added with a wry smile. “I have to pay for my medication. My facial tick is getting worse. The CIA is in my brain.”