BY MADAME DEFARGE, BREXIT CORRESPONDENT, IN LONDON, ENGLAND

A CURIOUS BY-PRODUCT of the recent release of top secret American documents was a short report from the National Security Agency about the growing use of the word “Brexit” for the word “shit” around the world.

It appears that the report was a distillation of intercepted phone calls, text messages, emails and other internet communications, billions of them from every country on earth.

“Indeed, such was the volume, if it hadn’t been for a supercomputer the trend probably would have gone by unnoticed,” says Pip Migraine, a former British Intelligence Agent turned television pundit. “An algorythim recognized the pattern and began to follow it. What it discovered was a truly extraordinary change in speech patterns. People all over the globe, in different circumstances, in different locations, in different languages, were all beginning to replace the word ‘shit’ with the word ‘Brexit’.

“It gets better. It seems that a knock on effect of the switch is that people who wouldn’t ordinarily have minded using the word ‘shit’ in their speech, began to apologize when they used the word ‘Brexit’ in its stead.

“The replacement actually started in England itself, among the chattering classes, and journalists initially, but then civil servants began to employ the word ‘Brexit’ when they wanted to swear. This caused endless communication problems when the subject of Brexit was being discussed.

“Meanwhile, the use of ‘Brexit’ for ‘shit’ seeped into ordinary speech. From there it spread to Europe and within a year its had circled the planet. It’s particularly popular among street gangs and drug cartels. The Wagner PMC use it when an advance stalls. The Ukrainian soldiers they are fighting call all their equipment ‘Brexit’.

“Even the Vatican uses it. Yes, the Pope was recently overheard calling his health ‘Brexity’.

“The only place you won’t hear it is in the British Conservative Party. I suppose you can understand the reluctance there. Who knows where it will go next? A Brexit Storm on the horizon? Or a Brexit fight?”