BY MICHAEL ROCKEFELLER, HEADHUNTER EDITOR

THEY CALL HIM “The Great Porky” in their language, and they worship him.

He is Boris Johnson, and they are a small tribe of headhunters resident on an island in the South Pacific.

“They also refer to him as The Lord Of The Lies, a titled garnered from news reports, and to them he is a living god,” explains anthropologist Professor Erskine Spectator-Mail, who has studied the tribe for most of his life. “I cannot say where they live, because that is protected by order of the United Nations. These people have had little or no contact with the modern world. They share their island with several other similar tribes. And the only concession to the outside is mobile phones, televisions and computers. They do like their WIFI.

“Anyway, they caught sight of Boris during his tour of duty as UK Prime Minister, and what followed. And frankly, they were captivated. The wild blond hair, the unkempt look, the lumbering physique, the confused speech patterns, the remarkably convoluted explanations that appeared to make little sense, the expectation of entitlement in every word spoken, all of this reminded them of a legend they have, of a great god of chaos, whose presence destroys everything it touches, whose words reverse their meaning or just contradict one another, whose very breath smells like a water buffalo’s behind. For some reason, they saw all this in Johnson.

“Naturally, as headhunters they realize their faith in full by eating their gods, as they do everyone else. It’s tradition. So, they have invited Mr Johnson to volunteer himself for ritual sacrifice. He will be celebrated, then stripped naked and bound in vines. Then a sharp ceremonial stake will be inserted and an apple placed between his teeth before solemn roasting over a charcoal fire.

“They insist that none of him will be wasted. And in consuming him they hope to ingest what it is that makes him what he is. They are a brave people.”