MEDIA DESK

AS THE GROUND hardens in Eastern Ukraine and Western Analysts declare Russia’s invasion a busted flush, the long-awaited Ukrainian counter-attack, spearheaded by 14 British, and other NATO, tanks, has sparked a furious bidding war among American streaming services for the rights to document the Ukrainian victory

The streaming services have been suffering financially of late. They continue to run into the brick wall of more and more of them, less and less decent programs and an audience with an appetite for binge viewing, and little tolerance for crap. So, the Streamers have decided that the Ukrainian counter-attack is the only game in town if they are to survive.

“It’s a sure-fire winner,” says Mark Profit, a Wall Street observer. “Every former and current general and admiral I have seen on TV says Russia is wiped out; that the Ukrainians only have to carry sweeping brushes with them when they march into Crimea. And the streaming services, who basically have nothing but shit to offer customers right now, see a new The Crown in having sole dibs on the victory march.”

An anonymous hedge fund manager put it bluntly: “Look, I’m super long this streaming crap,” she told the Bugle. “Have you see the figures from some of these services? Disrupters, my ass. Jesus, most of them need CPR. Anyway, there’s a crazy bidding war going on right now for the rights to exclusive coverage of the Ukrainian offensive and the ultimate victory. Whoever wins – the biding war, I mean – it will shore up losses and the share price should rocket because all the shitty shorts will have to cover their positions. You could have GameStop moment. And that’s when I sell. Fingers crossed. Because there’s scuttlebutt going around of a movie, and folks prefer movies to reality when it comes to war. Unless, of course, you have a Kardashian in front of the camera. Hey, there’s a thought.”