BY AILISH WOKE, SENSITIVITY CORRESPONDENT

THE GROWING POPULATION of sinners around the world are demanding that the Bible be rewritten, as its current form is completely insensitive and utterly insulting to their feelings.

The pressure group, The Sinner’s Right To Choose, which boasts a continually growing membership, compares the Bible to Mein Kampf, and says it is an incitement to pure hate persecution.

“Look, I’d have it banned outright,” says Arthur Beelzebub, who converted to sin when he lost his job, “but as that’s not gonna happen soon, given the financial power behind the Bible, I think a complete re-write is on the cards. It’s just so offensive to sinners. And we’re not exactly a minority group, are we? But for too long we’ve been singled out and castigated, blamed for everything that’s wrong with the planet. That book – or those books – the Bible, they are pure hate speech: incendiary, inflammatory, utterly uncompromising, damning sinners to hell for eternity. I mean what’s that about? Over-reaction, or what? I tell you, the Bible has caused nothing but pain for sinners down the centuries. Indeed, we’re waiting for the next pogrom every day. The damn thing’s an incitement to hate crime. Sinners’ lives matter.

“Oh, I know there’s forgiveness for sin in there, but there’s a catch, you have to repent. Real sinners, I mean the committed ones, who’ve devoted their lives to sinning, they don’t want to repent, they want to go on sinning. But in peace. Without being persecuted. Tell me, how many sinners have been burned and slaughtered using the Bible as a licence? Think about that. And yet it’s the biggest best seller in history. Something’s wrong there, somewhere.”