SPORTS DESK

THE VATICAN HAS A POPULATION OF 825, including one Pope . It is the smallest country in the world. It has no National Olympic Committee. It has never entered the Olympics. Until now.

“It’s understood this idea came from the very top,” says Daniel Brunzinger, author of the bestselling Vatican City: A Series of Unfortunate Conspiracies. “Apparently the Pope and a few cardinals were watching that John Candy movie, Cool Runnings – you know, where Jamaica enters a bobsleigh team in the Winter Olympics – when someone – and I can’t find out who – suggested the Holy See do something similar.

“Then someone else – again, they won’t say who – said they should enter a single trans athlete in every female event available at the Olympics. As a sign of ecumenical understanding, and to make a heap of money when they placed everything they had in the Vatican Bank on their team.”

“It’s understood that the proposed individual, who was once a member of the Swiss Guard, is specifically a bearded non-binary, gender-fluid Ultimate Fighter in America,” explained former Vatican finance advisor Dulce Vita, from the jail cell where he is serving a sentence for embezzlement . “And that *zhe has indicated that *zhe would be honoured to represent the Vatican at the Olympics. I’ve seen the individual and *zhe is enormous, fast and furious. Now all that has to happen is the establishment of a National Olympic Committee an application to the Olympics.”

“Insiders are very excited. It’s a win-win,” said a nun. “We show the world we’re tolerant and the Vatican Bank is rolling in funds again. May The Lord Be Praised.”

*Athlete’s chosen pronoun – ED