BY FELIX TOP, DOMESTIC PET CORRESPONDENT

THE WORLD may soon find out that it is short of cats.

As the population ages, men continue to live shorter lives than women, and many women live single lives whether by choice or circumstance. This has all placed a heavy demand on the supply of domestic cats.

“The lonely old woman, devoid of love and contact, surrounded by cats, is a well worn trope, but it’s kinda true,” says Clarence Arkk, a breeder of pedigree felines for the aging female market. “As more and more women find themselves old and alone, they turn to animals for company, and chief among animals in demand is the domestic cat.

“It used to be widows who dominated this market, but women who have remained single, either voluntarily or because they just could not attract a partner, are overtaking their married sisters. And they have longer to live beyond retirement. A single woman after she retires might face thirty or more years of intense loneliness, isolated, unloved, bereft of intimate contact. That’s where the cat comes in. It’s perfect for filling in the gap. And when you die alone, it will help with decomposition, sparing the neighbours the worst of the smell. Of course, if the cats are left alone well after a women passes, the stink from them can be poisonous, but we’re working on that with a specific breeding program.

“Prices for domestic cats are on the rise, and there’s even a futures market developing, together with a second-hand derivatives trade. It’s an evolving sphere. Indeed, we’re preparing background stories for owners so that they can pretend to talk to the animals when they have no one else to talk to. By mid-century there’ll be more sad isolated old women, losing their looks, unable to find a companion of either sex, spilling out their hearts to cats, than young boys and girls dating. I can imagine Mother’s Day being replaced by Cat Day and the Christmas present market abandoning gifts from humans to each other and focusing on gifts for cats. Business should be good.

“It is a sad prospect, I agree, particularly when these same women’s male counterparts will have more and more of the younger female cohort to play with, as these older males will have more wealth and power than their younger competitors. We don’t find the same demand for cats among aging men. Hookers and strippers, yeah, but not cats. Perhaps that’s why they die first. And happier.”