WASTE MANAGEMENT DESK

DEMOGRAPHERS CONSIDER it a crucial marker in the life span of any society: the moment it has more human shit on its streets than new human children. And San Francisco has reached that moment, known as the Turd Tipping Point.

“It’s very hard for a society to recover from the Turd Tipping Point,” insists waste management psychologist Brutus Rectum. “When you can tolerate that kind of behaviour on your streets, you’ve lost all respect for life; and your people stop having kids. I mean who wants to bring kids into a world like that?”

Some concerned residents of the Bay Area have begun making art installations of the human feces, sculpting images of drug addiction and homeless camps using the turds. “To kick up a stink,” says Mary, a mother of two who’s leaving the city. “And remember, if your’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some cotton wool in your nose.”

“Yeah,” said her husband from their car. “I left my fart in San Francisco.”

“Oh no, it’s the kind of inclusive art we like to encourage,” remarked a city social worker who wished to remain anonymous. “I live here too,” she said. “You know? Look, if it makes the drug addicts and the homeless feel accepted, then that’s good. And that’s what it’s all about. At the end of the day, we want everyone to experience San Francisco at the same level.”