“YOU’VE GOTTA GIVE IT TO THEM, THEY SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO KEEP ORDER,” SAYS LAW AND ORDER ADVOCATE

BY VARIOUS BEIJING WIRE SERVICES

THE RECENT HULLABALOO about secret Chinese police stations operating in Australia, and other countries, has taken an unexpected turn.

Fresh figures on crime show that in the areas the Chinese established their stations in Australia, crime rates have dropped, and significantly.

“Yeah, just the mere thought that the Chinese are policing a neighborhood puts the frighteners on the crims,” says Wal Styffnyck, a law and order candidate in the recent New South Wales state election. “Even our own boys and girls in blue are secretly impressed, I’m told. I’m calling here and now for a trial run of say a hundred Chinese cop shops around the country, to test the water so to speak. See what effect it has on the sharks. Because these boys can’t just cook, they know how to fish too, and keep law and order.

“Look, if it works, then maybe we can then roll out the Chinese court system here. It’s highly efficient, I believe, and has a better conviction rate than even our own local courts. Plus, and here’s the killer, if you’ll excuse my French, the Chinese have the death penalty for over 40 offences. I mean, shit, that’ll improve our lot’s KPIs in an afternoon. And there’s no faffing about, you die pretty soon after the sentence is imposed, so no keeping people in jail for years on appeal. And they charge the family for the execution. Think of what that’ll do for the budget deficit. I think we’re on to a winner here.

“Execution for robbery, assault and embezzlement: I mean, what would that do to the footballing and political elites of this country? It should be considered at the very least.

“And if we go the whole hog and adopt their prison system, we suddenly have thousands of slave labourers to use anywhere we like. Imagine how that will speed up infrastructure projects. No bloody strikes. No bloody anything. Complete darkness. I like it. I can feel the excitement already.

“Hell, if it all goes well – and why wouldn’t it? – we can let them run the Defence forces too. It’ll solve one problem immediately: there’d be no more threat of war and invasion. They’d already be here. And probably doing a far better job than our mob, who don’t appear to know a ballistic missile from a nuclear submarine on a sunny day.

“Look, I know I get fired up, but I just want to see the fear in the crims’ eyes for once, I guess, instead of some little old lady’s because she can’t walk her own streets in safety. Ah, shit, sure they run Darwin Port already, the Chinese, don’t they? So what’s new about this?”