BY FIN DE MONATTACHE, BREXIT REPORTER

IT WAS A BITTER BREAK-UP; and one would think irreconcilable.

However, secret European Union documents, obtained by the Kookaburra Bugle in Brussels, appear to contemplate a way back for the United Kingdom into the political and trading bloc.

“Shocking, peut etre,” says Alphonse Gustav Ignacio Paco Helmut Von Der Geld O’Connor Borgen Kaminski, a senior European Commission official, who insists the documents are more a wish list than anything else. “But we’re supremely benevolent here and so the door is always open for a British return. Painful and all as that would be, for all of us.

“It’s really just a matter of proving their loyalty, so to speak. In an open way. For all to see. And hear. Like a caporegime acknowledging a new Godfather, that kind of thing. Only a little more dramatic. A touch of Sergio Leone, if you like: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly.

“Remember, in recent surveys 95% of European Union citizens say they never want to see the United Kingdom again; 85% say they never want to hear from the United Kingdom again; 75% say they wish they had never heard of the United Kingdom at all; 65% say they prefer their in-laws to the United Kingdom; 55% say they prefer their ex-spouse to the United Kingdom; and 50% say they would rather vote for Donald Trump than have the United Kingdom back in the European Union. 40% even prefer their dog to shit in the living room than contemplate a European Union with the Brits back.

“So, they just have to do these few small things: as an act of good faith. And to give us all a good laugh. For all the trouble they’ve caused.”

Rumours that Downing Street has asked for clarification about the actual wording of the plea for mercy have been denied.