FROM F. DZERZHINSKY, MOSCOW

“THE MINUTE the London Daily Mail begins to publish stories about Ukrainian positions, concentrations and attack plans, we know the deception activities have begun.”

So says a source inside Russian Military Intelligence.

“It’s a given. You could set your watch by it. British Intelligence dusts off the old World War Two playbook and the planted stories begin to appear in predictable patterns. You would swear we had never seen The Man Who Never Was. Indeed, we’re keeping an eye on Crimean beaches just in case a Royal Marines officer washes up carrying the entire Ukrainian battle plans in his briefcase.

“It’s all part of the fun, I suppose. I don’t know why Kyiv puts such faith in MI6. Even MI6 doesn’t have that much faith in itself. The Ukrainians really must be desperate. Two words: Kim Philby. Hey, we’re sympathetic to our Ukrainian brothers and sisters. Remember, they served with us during the Great Patriotic War, the ones that weren’t in the Waffen SS or guarding the Death Camps anyway.

“Nothing’s going to happen of any real consequence until the weather gets better. Do you know how muddy it gets in the Donbass? Our soldiers spend half their time in Bakhmut cleaning mud off their boots. It takes three soldiers to clean a single boot of that stuff. That’s why the battle is taking so long. Most of the soldiers on both sides spend most of their time cleaning their boots.

“So, if the Ukrainians attack, we know where it’ll come and we know when it will come. When the ground is hard. When the rain has stopped. When they feel they have to do something or risk abandonment by NATO. I say again: Kim Philby. Personally, I love the Daily Mail. Queen Maxima, hottie!”