BY OUR ANIMAL CORRESPONDENT, NAT FAUNA

IT HAS BEEN the Holy Grail of animal studies for decades: talking to the dumb brutes.

Well, it’s allegedly happened off Australia, and the results are not quite what scientists expected.

“Yeah, we established this really dope computer code, that reads dolphin signals, like, and translates them into human language, like, and then translates human speech into dolphin, like,” said Vape Haddock of the Doolittle Project, an Australian Government initiative aimed at getting young people off drugs and similar substances, and into the ocean. “So exciting!”

“Doolittle was a dream Government project,” said Mick Mick, an initiative coordinator. “A blank cheque, a wild aim and a heap of dope heads to carry it out. How could it fail?”

“Well, it did all begin well,” explained Haddock. “We followed a group of dolphins, dropped a signal device into the water and began to send messages. And whatta ya know? The little fellows began to talk back to us. I swear it, honest to God. Too easy.

“We exchanged names, talked about the weather, the Great Barrier Reef, fish stocks, and even surfing – they were intrigued by that, you know. Yeah, we talked about everything. It was slay!”

“Then came – now wait for it – Global Warming,” said Mick Mick. “That’s when I raised an eyebrow.”

“Too right,” said Haddock. “we were in an intense discussion about climate change and the dolphins were jumping around like they agreed with us. That’s when this older dolphin appeared, tapped his mates on the back and began to yell at us: ‘There’s no such fuckin’ thing as Global Warming, it’s just the fucking sun. Bloody humans, useless bastards, always looking for something to fret about, always following us around like we have the answer to everything. We don’t. We’re ocean mammals, that’s all. And my name’s not fucking Flipper. Bloody stalkers. How would you like if we did that to you? Leave us bloody well alone, would ya.’

“He went on: ‘And another thing, give us back all the dolphins you have in captivity. How many of you have we ever taken? Answer me that? A whole generation of dolphins, just stolen, and for what? This is our ocean. You people, you’ve fucked up the land and now you’re intent on fucking up the ocean. Why don’t you just fuck off.’

“At this point we tried to break off contact, as it was all getting a bit much. Bad trip, you know? But this dolphin, he would have none of it. He followed our boat, yelling all the time: ‘Where do you get off, invading our privacy? Who gave you permission? We don’t come to your home sticking machines in your face. Stealing your food. Go away, we hate you!’

“Then the other dolphins began to laugh and shout too. The others on our boat began to sound like dolphins. I began to sound like a dolphin. I don’t know what happened after that. I went coma, I think. In fact, we all did. Bad shit.”

“The initiative’s been cancelled,” said Mick Mick. “Probably for the best.”