BY OUR BREXIT CORRESPONDENT, NIGEL MOGG REES

IN A REMARKABLE turn of events, the Irish Government, in conjunction with the European Union, has decided to offer special passports to residents of Northern Ireland, who because they wish to maintain their Britishness to the utmost cannot take up an Irish Passport, to which they would ordinarily be entitled.

The new Brirish passport would give these die-hard Unionists the the same freedom of the European Union as Irish Passport holders without compromising their Britishness.

It would carry all the privileges of an Irish Passport, but would be the same colour and tone as a British Passport, with a combination crown and harp crest on the front. It would have a joint statement from King Charles and the First Minister inside, asking for the usual courtesies to be afforded the holder. It would be acceptable in all parts of the European Union, where Northern Ireland would be referred to as Brireland for legal reasons, and, in essence, have equal status with the Republic of Ireland for this purpose.

The Brireland title would exist in parallel to its usual name, and could be used when its residents were exercising their rights as EU citizens. Nothing would prevent these people holding UK passports as well. But the new Brirish passports would obviously be more useful when holidaying in Spain and Portugal.

New Welcome to Brireland road signs are being produced for placement at the invisible Irish border. And the Northern Ireland soccer team could also be referred to as Brireland when playing in the European Union.

“London are on board,” says a Dublin source, “because the Americans have ordered to them to be on board. That was why Rishi Sunak looked so downbeat when he met Joe Biden in Belfast. Just as long as the road signs are on our side of the border, the British Government can swallow it along with everything else they’ve had to swallow. Anyway, quite a few Tory Brexiteers, with strong Unionist family ties in the North*, may well be tempted to avail themselves of a Brirish passport as a means of visiting villas in Provence and Tuscany without having to queue up at ports and airports with the great British unwashed!”

* This is a Southern Irish method of referring to Northern Ireland in order to avoid giving it too much legitimacy. It implies that Northern Ireland is a temporary arrangement, a passing fad. It is patronizing to Unionists and is meant to be. – ED