BY GEORGE ST GREAVES, SPORTS REPORTER

IT IS THE nearest thing to a religious relic that England possesses – if you discount Paul Gascoigne’s Fog On The Tyne single – Bobby Moore’s red No 6 shirt, worn the day England beat West Germany 4-2 to win the World Cup in 1966. And it’s gone missing.

To date, no one has owned up but there is a growing suspicion that the Russians have it, though they deny it.

“It is just the kind of shabby Ruski trick that you’d expect from swine like that,” said military analyst Colonel Rupert Blitherington Bland. “They know the miraculous qualities of the shirt.”

“Yes, we know the army that carries the shirt before it is said to be invincible,” said a Kremlin spokesman. “But frankly our boys always preferred Nobby Styles. You know, the false teeth, the socks down, the dancing, not to mention the hard man reputation; and, of course, the absolutely ridiculous name: it was all very popular in the Soviet Union. It had working class written all over it. Yeah, the Toothless Tiger. Bobby Moore always seemed too establishment, too socially mobile, though in the end the English football establishment treated him like shit, didn’t it?

“Hey, if you want a suspect for the theft, I give you Ukraine. They’re already naming their British tanks after the 1966 team. The shirts would only add to their confidence. And they need confidence, I guess. So watch the rest of the 1966 kit well. As for us, we’ll take our chances and maybe try and get Nobby’s shirt at a Sotheby’s auction if we can. By the way, you don’t have a copy of Gazza’s single, do you?”