BELGRADE, THURSDAY

ARE IRELAND and Russian on the verge of war?

Not since 1898, when the Skibereen Eagle announced that it was “keeping its eye on the Emperor of Russia” (the Czar) have Irish-Russian relations sunk so low.

It began with Irish Foreign Minister and one-time/part-time Prime Minister Micheal Martin praising a dead Irishman killed fighting the Russians in Ukraine.

Mr Martin, usually a man who abhors the use of violence for political ends, hailed the man as “principled”.

Interpreting this as a call to arms by Mr Martin, the Russian Embassy in Dublin issued a statement basically saying that if you go to war expect to get killed and that if Mr Martin was encouraging young Irishmen to follow suit, this would make Ireland a direct participant in the conflict and would have consequences.

From there, the temperature rose.

A former Foreign Minister from Mr Martin’s party, Fine Gael, Charlie Flanagan, responded that the Russian statement was threatening and chilling.

A Kookaburra Bugle Russian intelligence source replied: “This from a man whose father, Oliver J Flanagan, who also rose to high ministerial office in Ireland, stood up in the Irish Parliament in 1943 – when we were dying in our millions to defeat the Nazis – and suggested that Ireland should follow Germany’s lead and rout the Jews out of Ireland. Spare me, I think the English phrase is. Didn’t he also say there was no sex in Ireland before television? Where do you get these guys?”

Charlie Flanagan himself gained notoriety in 2020 when he tried to arrange for a remembrance ceremony for members of the Royal Irish Constabulary killed during the Irish War of Independence a century earlier. The Royal Irish Constabulary were fighting on the enemy’s side, and included the Black and Tans, who did not always practice the finest traditions of counter-insurgency warfare, and the Auxiliary Division, which gained itself the sort of reputation owned by PMC Wagner in Ukraine today and sundry German special units in Ukraine in 1943.

“And remember,” our Russian source advised: ” Mr Martin, when he was Irish Prime Minister last year, insisted that Ireland was not neutral when it came to Ukraine. You talk the talk, you must prepare to walk the walk. No?

“It’s a sort of declaration of war. Very Irish. However, as Ireland has an army smaller than a Volgograd ballet company – and because you helped bankroll the new revolutionary government in 1920 with a loan – we’ll leave it for the moment. Frankly, if we decide to blow the UK to bits, you’ll be collateral damage anyway. Tough shit, I guess.”

Irish sources say that TDs (Members of the Irish Parliament) are currently keeping a polite distance between themselves and Mr Martin these days.

The Russians have asked what brand of tea Mr Martin likes to drink?