MEDICAL DESK

CANADA IS officially so dull that it now being prescribed as a cure for hypertension, or high blood pressure.

According to a new study, Canada can, at times, virtually stop the human heart beating.

“Look, while it’s really good news for high blood pressure, it can be dangerous for people with bad hearts and low blood pressure,” says Dr Marcus Welbeing of the Toronto Monochrome Center, which studies ways of taking advantage of Canada’s extreme monotony to benefit citizens. “We only prescribe it after much consideration. I mean the whole process of selecting patients for treatment is as boring as Canada, just so we can be sure.

“Patients are presented with a selection of Canadian news, history, politics and even sport. Though the latter, especially ice hockey, is the exception so not used that often. If the patient survives this preliminary exposure, then they are given Canada in studied doses. Usually blood pressure is down within a day or two. An hour if they are sent out into Manitoba, Alberta or Saskatchewan. We reserve these for the very worst cases. And only if we have to, do we prescribe Justin Trudeau. But we have to be careful with that. It can be lethal to a weak circulation.”