SOMEONE IN IRELAND

MILITARY EXPERTS in Ireland are confident the country could sustain a two-front war with Russia and China, with some limited effort and a European Union grant.

The recent bitch-slappings of both powers by Irish Tanaiste and Foreign Minister Micheal Martin, have caused raised eyebrows across the globe, as Ireland, like its Foreign Minister, has until now been thought of as an insignificant wimp in strategic terms.

“The Irish Government is supremely confident that the Army is ready if the Ruskis or Chinkies start anything,” says Lieutenant General Mannix FitzAnus, former chief of staff of the island nation’s Defence Forces. “We can definitely send one infantry battalion and a fishery protection vessel to Shanghai at three months notice, I’m sure of that. And if there are enough cheap Ryanair flights, and a spare fishing trawler or two, we can get another battalion, supported by air assets, to St Petersberg reasonably quickly, too. That should scare the shit out of the Russians, keep them pinned down while we deal with the Chinese.

“Our main problem is reserves. Because once we’ve committed two full battalions, we’ve essentially exhausted our combat strength. So, if we can’t take the Kremlin before winter sets in, we could suffer the same fate as Napoleon and Hitler. Beijing is whole other matter and might require a prolonged siege.”

Dr Fergal Intelmaniac of the Dublin Institute of Strategic Board Games says that the Irish Air Corps’ helicopters, of which there are about six, and propeller driven training aircraft, of which there are about 8, should be able to keep the Russians cowering in their bunkers while Ireland’s foot soldiers seize St Petersberg, and then march on the Kremlin. “However, that would mean that the battalion sent to China would have to achieve its objectives with the support of the Government executive jet only, as what remains of our aircraft would be needed for maritime patrol at home. In case the Russians counter-attack by sea. Last time they sent a ship, angry Irish fishermen drove it off by yelling profanities and the Government hopes this angry tactic will work again.

“The Government’s executive jet could base itself in Taiwan, if the Taiwanese will permit it. Might even have an ally there. The jet might be there a while as it takes a considerable time for an Irish fishery protection vessel packed with a battalion of soldiers to make it from Cork to Shanghai. The biggest problem would be government ministers having to take commercial airliners on trips abroad during any conflict. That might cause a mutiny. But we have the Army Ranger Wing for anything like that. One of those fellas can break your neck simply by looking at you. Most of them will already be in Moscow and Beijing, disguised as refuse or limousines. Smart lads.”

Professor Helen Troy of the University of Blank Spatial Forms And Sisyphean Tasks in Tir Na Nog, says the Irish Defence Forces, while small, can be unpredictably effective. “If you don’t ask too much of them. They like the weekend off, for instance. And there’s arguments over pay and conditions that go on and on. Irish governments have always kept their armies small, weak and underpaid. For economic reasons, yes, but also because deep down where politicians don’t like to go, the Irish authorities have never really trusted the army. Well, it has a strong tradition of rebellion. Remember, the army predates the current Irish state. And it’s been fraught with rebelliousness ever since it was formed in 1913 as the Irish Volunteers. 1914, 1916, 1922, 1924, all saw parts of the army break off and do their own thing. In 1916, it led to an unauthorized uprising; and in 1922 a brutal civil war. And don’t even mention 1970, when part of the army tried to bring in weapons for its – how shall we say – evil twin. You can understand why Irish politicians can’t wait to send the army far away on UN duty. Such a good distraction. Jesus, we’ve been in Lebanon longer than the French. And if it goes on, we’ll have been there longer than the Romans.”

“The army will do whatever Mr Martin asks,” insists General FitzAnus. “As long as it doesn’t take too much effort and require more than five days ammunition. I’m told the Government is sure there’s a European Union grant for this kind of thing. Anyway, it’s a fluid situation. Sure no one wants it to come to blow but these international bullies, they have to know we’re serious. Mr Martin has drawn a red line in the sand and the Russians and Chinese had better be careful they don’t cross it.”