BY YURI ZHIVAGO, FAR EASTERN EDITOR

IN AN ACT of what it says is “unprecedented neighborliness”, the People’s Republic of China has indicated that should things go bad in Ukraine for Russia, and should President Putin’s regime struggle to keep order in the world’s largest country because of any setback, Beijing will step in and provide stability in Russia’s thinly populated far east.

In a statement from Beijing, the Chinese Government added: “In pursuit of world peace, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army is ready, willing and able to assist its Russian brothers and sisters in maintaining stability in those sparsely populated mineral-rich lands of Siberia and the Russian far east which are so much closer to us than they are to Moscow.”

The Kremlin however insists that its Ukraine war strategy is going according to plan, and that any gains by the Ukrainian Army are contemplated in the grand plan for total victory. “News that some of our troops have thrown down their weapons, screamed like little girls and run away is part of our deliberate deception blueprint, and it is currently working spectacularly around the flanks outside Bakhmut,” insisted a spokesman. “And while we appreciate our Chinese brethren’s kind offer, it won’t be necessary. Our vast arsenal of nuclear missiles can keep order in the far east of the Russian Federation.”

Western armchair strategists were thin on the ground for comment on the Chinese offer as they were busy cheer leading Ukrainian advances in the Donbass. One unnamed academic did say: “Chinese troops right next door to Alaska, holy fuckin’ shit! We gotta offer the Kremlin help.”