FOREIGN EDITOR’S ASSISTANT COFFEE MAKER

AS IF planning for war with China and Russia simultaneously were not challenge enough for him, newly beefed up Irish Foreign Minister Micheal Martin has indicated to the Irish Parliament that there appears to be an ongoing Russian plot to destabilize the current Fine Gael/Fianna Fail-led Dublin Government, using – wait for it – news.

Key to this plot is – and this is where the Putin Regime demonstrates its utter cynicism – a series of unpleasant internet stories about Irish Government figures and followers which – and this is how low the Muscovites are prepared to sink – Mr Martin claims are sponsored by at least one person of whom the Russian Ambassador to Ireland has spoken well.

In his speech, Mr Martin, who seemed to indicate that he was used to a more supine media that didn’t ask impertinent and embarrassing questions, came to the defence of every news outlet in Ireland that hadn’t covered the offending stories, saying they were the victims of unwarranted attack for their decision to ignore what was quite obviously a series of narratives which would be of no interest to anyone in Ireland because they were so preposterous.

It is understood most Irish news media were in fact too busy covering the Eurovision Song Contest and the coronation of King Charles III to be able to devote resources to these questions. Indeed, the Irish Times, the self-proclaimed paper of record, appears to have been written in part by an AI program, which was obviously not controlled by Russia.

However, Government supporters see the hand of Russian Military Intelligence, the GRU, in what’s happening.

“Well, it’s the below the belt aspect,” remarked Gubnet O’ Ligarchy, a longtime Fianna Fail blood donor. “You can deal with lies, they’re the meat and two veg of Irish politics, but truth, that’s something we’ve rarely had to face since the foundation of the party by De Valera. Even old Fine Gael, our new besties, at their worst when Charlie Haughey was in power, would hardly ever have stooped that low.”

Mr Martin, who employed the noble art of shooting the messenger to respond to the allegations against his people, revealed the details of the alleged “Russian” plot to a stunned if small gathering of Irish parliamentarians. He implied that the purveyors of the deleterious information had an agenda in sync with that of the Kremlin, namely the replacement of the current Irish Government with – and this is a difficult one – another Irish Government.”

Ordinary citizens of Ireland approached by the Kookaburra Bugle, seemed disinterested, as if they had more important things on their minds. “I’m trying to find somewhere to fucking live,” one of them shouted. “So I don’t have to sleep rough tonight.”

“Jesus, it’s putrid,” said Dublin gangster Jimmy as he dealt drugs in O’Connell Street. “Them Russians, they have no boundaries. How dare they seek to replace our Government. We’re not even allowed do that. Sure last time we tried, the two main parties who for the past century have been at each others throats, calmly went into power together and passed around the *Taoiseach’s office among themselves like it was a relay baton. The Kinahans didn’t lick it off the stones, you know. By the way, what’s the Russian for crony?”

The Kremlin responded to Mr Martin’s allegations by laughing, and laughing, and laughing. It went on for three quarters of an hour. The Kookaburra Bugle was forced to hang up.

* Irish word for Prime Minister (can also be translated as Crony-in-Chief) – ED