FROM MILAN, ITALY

AN ITALIAN CLINIC specializing in chemical diets has reported that a patient who overdosed on some of the clinic’s special diet pills, disappeared while two nurses were trying to pump his stomach.

Signor Grasso (not his real name), an American with a fried chicken habit, was allegedly so overweight that he had to be brought to the mountaintop retreat in a earth mover, and deposited on a specially reinforced concrete bed, through the roof.

Days after his arrival, the clinic, The Henry VIII Reserve, began prescribing Signor Grasso with its very unique diet pills.

“These pills do more than make a patient feel full, they stretch molecular structure,” says Heruwin Chiq, an internationally renowned diet expert. “The weight literally falls off. Highly experimental. Some say NATO is involved.”

Within six months of his treatment starting, Signor Grasso was down to 80 kilograms and able to run 10 kilometers before breakfast.

Soon after, he was ready to leave. Except for one thing. He wanted to be 75 kilograms.

“Weight loss can be as addictive as food,” says Chiq. “No one would have even noticed the 5 kilogram difference.”

It is believed that Signor Grasso broke into the clinic dispensary, grabbed several bottles of the diet pills and began to take them without supervision.

Within a hour, he had lost 25 kilograms.

By the end of the day, he was lying on his bed, unable to move, weighing only 30 kilograms.

The next morning, as staff struggled to stem the weight loss, he was down to skin and bones, and lying on a sheepskin rug.

“Staff left the room for ten minutes, to collect more equipment,” says Chiq. “When they returned, Signor Grasso was gone. His clothes, however, still lay on the bed. A search produced nothing.”

Witnesses say there was a slight smell of fried chicken in the room.

“I guess the only question is where has he gone?” says Chiq. “From what I understand he’s out there somewhere, just spread over a very wide area.”