LONDON EDITOR

THE PROSPECT OF Britain’s Royal Air Force training Ukrainian fighter pilots, as declared by Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, raises two interesting questions: 1) does this mean Ukraine will be receiving F35 and Typhoon Eurofighter jets from NATO, as they are the mainstay of Britain’s air force? and 2) is there is a chance that Ukrainian fighter pilots will fly patrols which may encounter Russian aircraft in or near Irish air space?

“Yes, it’s a tricky one,” says former Air Vice Marshall Sir Douglas Snoopy VC DSO DFC, who advises UK media outlets on the Ukraine war. “If Britain is to train these chaps, then we’ll be training them in the latest NATO aircraft; they don’t need training in Soviet era machines. Indeed, they could teach us a thing or two there. And if they are training on say Eurofighter Typhoons, then it’s possible they will be in the air when one of those Russian Johnnies makes a fly by around Britain and Ireland. I understand they love photographing the Wild Atlantic Way, the Russians, and posting it on their internet sites. I’m not sure Mr Sunak has fully expanded his mind to the possibility of a Ukrainian ace pilot in an RAF fighter coming across a Russian reconnaissance aircraft over the Atlantic. Oops!”

The prospect of the Ukraine war spilling out over Ireland, both metaphorically and literally, has exercised the minds of the island’s considerable peace lobby. “It’s a nightmare,” says Oscar Tango, who has made a name for himself gluing his penis to American aircraft landing at Shannon over the past few decades. “I mean it’s bad enough that the Royal Air Force patrols our airspace, because we cannot. What does that do for our supposed independence and neutrality? But some Ukrainian hotshot on a training mission with the same RAF, who sees a Russian aircraft in front of him, somewhere near Achill, say, or Skellig Michael, what do you think he’s going to do?”

Air Vice Marshall Snoopy, who was shot down fifteen times over Iraq during the 1990s, says, “Combat air patrol training would be normal. If the RAF has enough aircraft to spare. The old Few are even fewer today, I regret. I can see how it might be embarrassing for the Dublin Government. If a Russian bomber were to come toppling out of the sky with an RAF Typhoon fighter on its tail, flown by a Ukrainian chappie. Hard to explain that one to the voters, I’d imagine.”

The Irish Government, which insists there is no agreement for RAF fighters to patrol Irish air space, would not comment on the whole prospect.