FROM MOSCOW REPORTERS

SUCH IS THE INTEREST among Russian troops in the axing of Phillip Schofield from Breakfast Television show This Morning, that Kremlin bigwigs suspect the whole sordid soap opera, which has garnered vast amounts of coverage in the British press, is actually a diversion to draw Moscow’s attention away from troop build ups in advance of the promised Ukrainian killer offensive this summer.

“Our boys are on their mobile phones constantly, reading about Phillip and whatever her name is; and of course there’s Eamonn Holmes and his barbed contributions. Yes, it is riveting,” said Colonel Yevgeny Yevgenevich Yevgenh a staff officer with Russian High Command. “Just the kind of thing MI6 would dream up before a large operation. A modern kind of version of The Man Who Never Was or the Patton Army in Norfolk that was made of rubber. I believe the vacuous nature of Breakfast Television and its shallow presenters has a fascination for men risking their lives every minute of the day for a great cause they believe in. Low grade empty celebrity gives a man a sense that his life actually has some meaning. Which makes the Schofield thing all the more pernicious. The addition of Eamonn Holmes, Mr Cool Delivery, just adds to the fascination. If it continues, we’re gonna have to take mobile phones from our soldiers. Otherwise they’ll lift their heads and find the Ukrainians and NATO on the Volga.”

Ukrainian high command in Kyiv denies the whole Schofield drama is a NATO inspired distraction. “Look, our boys are at it too,” a spokesperson said. “Sometimes fighting just stops. Both sides are so enthralled by the whole This Morning debacle. What is mass battlefield death when you have been given the shove from a top rating morning show? I feel for Phillip personally. Eamonn sounds a little bit like schadenfreude. The whole wife thing is just what a story like this needs. If Chuck Norris were to turn up, I would not be surprised. Certainly, I could see Gary Lineker getting involved.”