FROM K. PHILBY IN MOSCOW AND G. BURGESS IN CAMBRIDGE AND SALISBURY, ENGLAND

YOU CAN ALMOST hear the wheels of escalation grinding forward: Russia has declared that British public officials are now legitimate targets in its war with Ukraine.

The Russian statement, from former president Demitry Medvedev, was in reply to British Foreign Minister James Cleverly’s comments that Ukraine was entitled to project forces beyond its borders in self-defence. The targets have recently been Russian cities. The Russians are not well pleased.

“You pinch my ass, I punch your fucking face,” said Anastasia Karenina a celebrity reporter on Russian TV, and an outspoken supporter of the Russian President, Vladimir Putin. “I hope Cleverly does not like tea. Not so clever now, is he?”

As a precaution against attack by Russian agents, the UK Government has plans in place to ban tea imports should the need arise. “It’s a defensive measure,” said a spokesman. “Personally, I like a mochaccino myself.”