FROM MARK POLO IN BEIJING

CHINESE PRESIDENT Xi Jinping is under significant pressure to rename the People’s Republic of China “The Old People’s Republic of China” given the demographic black hole the country is entering.

By 2100, the population of the Middle Kingdom will have fallen to less than half of what it is now, perhaps even below 500 million; and the elderly population will have swollen to such an extent that anyone visiting will easily mistake it for an old folks home.

“It’ll be quieter,” says Elvis Lee, a Shanghai bond trader with a love of 1950s Americana. “And adult diaper firms will be the new Googles and Facebooks. I’m already heavily invested in that area. If you think endless zimmer frame rock bands touring is nostalgia sclerosis now, wait till everyone is over fifty and all there is, is endless nostalgia. The young will be so precious they’ll be kept in special chambers. Grey will be the new black. And Madonna will still be touring.”

President Xi has refused to say if he will consider the change of name. “he’s hoping to still be in charge in 2100,” Lee said. “And maybe he will be.”