BY RANDAL HOWLING IN BELFAST, EUROPEAN UNION

THE “POST-BREXIT WONDERFUL NEW UK”, hailed by Belfast Newsletter editor Ben Lowry, has been held up at Larne in Northern Ireland, as Brexit prevents it getting through customs and into Britain as it’s a European Union import without the proper stamp of approval from London.

“Crazy though it seems, the only part of the United Kingdom that can actually enjoy a wonderful new post-Brexit life is Northern Ireland,” explained Aoife Shoestring, poet and columnist with the Unionist Irish language magazine Riamh Riamh Riamh. “Due to our privileged position with feet in both the EU and the UK, enjoying the best of both worlds. That makes it a wee bit difficult for all sides here, especially hard-line unionists, who want to get rid of our newly acquired privileged position in both the EU and the UK. Imagine trying to sell that one to the majority here who voted to stay in Europe.

“Irish Nationalists, who want a United Ireland yesterday, are also now pushing a stone uphill. Sure we’re so perfectly positioned right now, who’d want to give that up just to hear Leo Varadkar and Micheal Martin drone on about housing and taxes? And don’t talk to me about the smuggling opportunities our new position presents. Ta Ar La Tagtha, as they say in Sandy Row and South Armagh.”

Unionist protests to try and get the “Post-Brexit Wonderful New UK” through customs have run into more than current legal dispensation and fundamental contradiction: UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak doesn’t want it, even though a majority of his people appear to support the notion and he claimed it was the best position to be in. “It’s a shambles,” says Shoestring. “Just the kind of politics we thrive on here in Belfast.”

“Yes, it’s a proper mess,” says Ultan Mischief , controversialist, and revisionist historian, who maintains that if this situation keeps going, Northern Ireland will end up like Andorra, being run by two leaders “who hardly have an interest in the place and rarely visit. Oh, wait, isn’t that pretty much what we have now?”

Meanwhile the “Post-Brexit Wonderful New UK” remains in a crate, in a warehouse, going nowhere, very fast.