FROM FRANK CURLING-MANSPLAIN IN LONDON

THE SAVAGE IN-FIGHTING taking place around ITV’s This Morning program has led Ukraine’s Government to offer lucrative contracts to current and former British morning television stars, to teach Ukrainian troops preparing for their big push this summer how to fight dirty.

“President Zelenskyy, himself a former television icon, has been fascinated by the ruthless savagery displayed in the disputes between these British Breakfast Television stars, and would like to have some of that for Ukraine,” said a Kyiv spokesman. “Boy, do they know how to give it to their enemies. We definitely need some of that if we are to drive the Russians into the Black Sea.”

Rumors of the Ukrainian move have reached Russian lines and caused some nervousness among the more inexperienced soldiers there. “We’re hiring Russians who have had experience of British Breakfast television in all its cruelty, and strategically placing them in the trenches with our lads,” said Colonel Yuri Mastiff of an unnamed Russian assault brigade outside Bakhmut. “That should counter any Ukrainian advantage if they get the British stars to work for them. Although if they secure Eamonn Holmes I think all bets are off.”