BY POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT MUKUS MEMBRANE

“THEY COULDN’T even organize a simple political hatchet job without cocking it up!”

So said Ernie Fyckser, PR guru, and media relations consultant, best known for helping to shape O J Simpson’s publicity in the mid-1990s, and advising Vladimir Putin during his successful annexation of Crimea in 2014, when he reviewed the evidence pouring out about Labor bigwig involvement in the Brittany Higgins rape allegations. “No, you’re not dealing with great minds here, believe me. Low Naplan scores, know what I mean. Goes to show what kind of idiots are running things in Australia. Yes, these people run the bloody country. Fuck!”

Fyckser, who is said to have had a role in engineering the famous glove incident at the Simpson trial, and been hired by Osama Bin Laden to get him asylum in Pakistan after 9/11, said that when he heard about the various recordings and text messages surrounding the Brittany Higgins allegations, he shook his head, smiled and then tweeted: “Jesus, help me. You want to know why they raised wages during an inflation crisis, look, just look … “