FROM HOMER SIMPSON AT THE FRONT

THE SIGHT of lines of Ukrainian tanks being picked off has caused dismay in the West. So far, the Great Ukrainian Counter- Offensive – if that is what is happening – has all the appearance of the Russian offensive of February last year, in reverse.

“Surely to Christ, they’re not using the send long columns of crawling armour unsupported by air assets and infantry tactic,” said Wally Spoke, an unemployed car worker from Detroit when he heard the news. “After all these months, all the support we’ve given them. All the tax dollars that could have helped me get a job. I hope to God that it’s just a distraction, and that the main thrust will be a highly imaginative strike using cutting edge tactics. Maybe those tanks are made of rubber, you know like Patton’s fake army in World War Two. They certainly we’re made here in Detroit. Very little is now, though we virtually won WW2 “

Former British Army general Quentin Fudge-Patbotty DSO, MC and Bar, media advisor and chairman of an unspecified conglomerate of arms manufacturers, says that there’s nothing to be concerned about. “The offensive may not even be actually happening. Indeed, until it is successful the standard procedure with us Brits would be to keep denying its existence. You have to keep shifting the goal posts, especially if you’re not quite doing as well as expected. This is the information war. As long as you can continue to pump out optimistic information about your own side and utter crap about the enemy, the war goes on, successfully. Remember, the people at home don’t want to hear the truth, they just want to hear we’re winning and the other side sup with the Devil.”

“Until you get to the Highway 1 moment,” says veteran American war reporter Mangy Steed, who lost both legs to a landmine he took home from Lebanon as a souvenir. “I was there when the South Vietnamese commander told us his men would hold the line outside Saigon 1975. We all knew he was lying. He knew he was lying. Anybody with a brain knew he was lying. But there were still US officials, including the damned Ambassador, who had drunk so much Kool Aid that they could not see the truth any more. South Vietnam collapsed shortly after. And a lot of people who put their faith in us, got betrayed. Same in Afghanistan. I hope the Ukrainians haven’t put too much trust in us.”