BY REPORTERS IN THE GREY ZONE BETWEEN THE LINES IN EASTERN UKRAINE

UKRAINIAN SOURCES blaming climate change for the apparent slowness of their advance east of the Dnipro River, say that the continuance of that advance will in the end help reverse that same climate change.

“The ground keeps getting wet,” a colonel in Kyiv said. “And all our NATO heavy equipment is then too heavy for it. Normally, it should have dried out by now. But climate change has pushed spring into summer. And then there’s the mine fields. Climate change means they’re more difficult to detect. And then there’s the effect climate change has on our ammunition. Climate change means it’s more difficult to use. And don’t mention our morale issue. Our lads have to get out of their vehicles and brave the shitty weather; the Russians are safe in their lines of fortifications. Damn climate change. But as we keep moving, believe me, we’ll destroy climate change along with the Russians.”

British strategic specialist and former intelligence officer Sir Angus Smug, agrees that climate change is only slowing the advance for now but will eventually itself collapse in the face of Ukrainian success: “Let me explain. The victory is still assured. Inch by inch, field by field, house by house, village by village, the Ukrainians are pushing forward. And every blade of grass liberated from the invader and his collaborators is one more blade of grass to eat carbon dioxide and provide clean fresh oxygen for the Ukrainian patriots as they advance, and in doing so halt and reverse climate change in the same way the Russian aggression is being stopped and turned back. It’s a perfect partnership. We can defeat Russia and climate change in a single move.”