BY JINGO

UKRAINIAN OFFICIALS have expressed fears that the British tabloid, the Daily Mail, will run short of contemptuous stories, praising Ukraine’s successes and damning Russia’s follies, before the war is finally won.

“The Daily Mail has been using these stories up at a very fast rate, particularly recently, and the concern is the supplies will run out before the need for them is over,” says Herman Goebbels of the Royal Institute for Intensely Jingoistic Journalism in London. “It’s hard work praising everything the Ukrainians do, even their retreats, and shitting on the Russians even when they are quite obviously successful.”

“Eh, look, the British, they are masters at this,” adds Hercule Makeup of the Bruges College of Story Planting. “At times it seems that half their press work for their secret services, and the other half want to work for their secret services. It’s quite extraordinary how blatant they are about it, and how many of their hacks freely admit doing this kind of work. The obviously-planted story is so frequent in their right-wing press, that it’s become quite boring identifying them now. No, I don’t think they’re going to run out any time soon.”

Ukrainian Government public relations specialists say even they have difficulty with the ridiculously chauvinistic nature of some stories in papers like the Daily Mail. “It can be embarrassing,” said one official. “It’s so crude and grubby. But then I suppose it’s aimed at the kind of person who reads these papers and voted for Brexit. You have to dive pretty deep there. We’re a sophisticated people, you know. Nevertheless, in our situation, all help is accepted here in Kyiv. I just hope they don’t ever decide to turn on us at any stage. That would be ugly.”