BY LAZY SEMI-LITERATE HACK JOURNALIST, BASED A THOUSAND KILOMETRES FROM THE FRONT, REGURGITATING ANYTHING HE HEARS

“IT’S SURELY THE BEGINNING OF THE END,” cried a woman on the streets of Kharkiv. “I know that house, that front parlour, the one our boys have retaken from the Russians. It’s mine.”

News that an entire mechanized brigade of Ukrainian special forces had retaken the parlour room led to cheers across Europe, and the church bells being rung out across Home Counties England. Washington has ordered a day of celebration. “I love the smell of Palmolive in the morning, you know that parlour room smell of clean crockery,” commented a Pentagon officer. “It smells like … victory!”

“It was tough going for our boys, the Russians had a dog with them,” said a Ukrainian general, who cannot be named. “There was a fierce battle around the table and then the Russians retook the couch for an hour or two. Finally, we brought up ten British Challenger tanks and that did the trick. The Russians withdrew.”