FROM KYIV USING WIRE SERVICES

“THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS!” said an old woman on the streets of the Ukrainian capital. “I have lost two sons to this war. I have always been suspicious of foreign politicians cheering us on from faraway sidelines. Perhaps he can drive one of those famous British Challenger tanks we hear about.”

“Johnson’s Churchillian courage is a huge feature of his public persona,” says Max Wally, whose biography of the former Prime Minister, Party On, failed to sell a single copy and had to be given away with breakfast cereal. “Now that he is leaving Parliament, he needs something to do, something consistent with his bellicose words. Volunteering for the front line in Ukraine would be so like Churchill’s decision to rejoin the army after the Gallipoli disaster in 1915. Indeed, Churchill’s courage in doing so was a springboard for his eventual return to high office. Boris will be thinking along those lines. Otherwise, he might try and get a trial with Manchester City or a small part in EastEnders, but I don’t think that either of those are on. No, given all he has said about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, he is almost honor-bound to sign on.”

Ukrainian politicians say the would be happy to have Johnson fight alongside their men and women on the front line. “It would be such a boost for morale,” said an MP. “That blond hair would be like a flag in the attack. Rule Britannia!”

Russian sources commented that if they captured him they would help him lose weight.