FROM S.K. EPTYK III, IN WASHINGTON D.C

THERE WAS an uncomfortable look on the face of the Chairman of the United States Joint Chiefs of Staff when he addressed the media on the war in Ukraine recently. The bags beneath his eyes seemed to say more than any of his words.

“It looked as if he suspected there was a poisonous insect crawling down his trousers,” said one journalist.

General Milley assured the media that all was “steady progress” in the current Ukrainian offensive, and that Ukrainian morale was top dollar and Russian morale was counterfeit ruble. That Napoleon had said the moral is to the physical as 3 is to 1. People were too polite to point out that Napoleon’s last experience against Russia was not terrific.

“The general has obviously never been under a Russian missile and artillery barrage,” said another correspondent, who indicated that he had. “That’s the problem, all these NATO heads, they have never fought a real war, against an enemy that can properly shoot back. Hell, the Ukrainians have more experience than they do in this kind of fight. Steady progress is the mantra of unresolved failure. You can keep steady progress going for years without having to show results.”

The general went on to say that war was a contest of wills, and was violent.

“Ya don’t say?” a TV reporter whispered to a colleague.

When the general added that 6,000 Ukrainians were being trained at 40 locations in over 60 courses in 33 countries on 3 continents, there was a confused look on the faces of many of the attendees.

“I was about to ask him to say all that again,” said financial reporter who had mistakenly entered the press room. “I couldn’t believe my ears. What language were all these courses in? And on what weaponry? Holy shit.”

General Milley insisted that bravery, competence and preparedness would carry the day in Ukraine.

“And devastating air power, heavy artillery, rockets, and maybe the odd small nuke, if necessary,” someone mumbled.

When asked about progress, the General said that that after two weeks of the Ukrainian offensive, it was still too early to say anything about progress. But the Ukrainians were getting every capability they needed to fight this war. Indeed, he listed so many capabilities it was hard to keep track of them.

“Clearly a logistics man,” someone remarked.

“Isn’t he the guy who said that the withdrawal from Kabul was a logistical success but a strategic failure?” said a tall Texan. “Three cheers for logistics. Who needs strategic success when your logistics are perfect?”

An older correspondent, who still took notes in shorthand with a pencil, left the room telling a colleague. “It’s the Saigon Five O’Clock Follies all over again. And their clones in Baghdad and Kabul. We’re always winning, until the moment we lose. Then we fuck off and leave the poor bastards we’ve been egging on to face the music. Probably Rachmaninoff in ‘B Major’, or something like that in this case”

“Maybe,” said a female reporter, slapping him on the back. “But for General Milley, it could be far worse: remember Colin Powell telling us about weapons of mass destruction, and all that that led to?”