FROM NEW ZEALAND

“THE UKRAINIANS have asked for him, and the Albanese Government is desperate to get rid of him. Frankly, it’s a marriage made in Washington.”

The Australian Government official who spoke these words was holding a photograph of disgraced war hero Ben Roberts Smith being decorated with the highest award for bravery, the Victoria Cross. “He’s just such an embarrassment here,” he added. “It’s so awkward. Ruthless killing is fine far away but when it comes home, the reality is impossible for the voters to take.”

Ukrainian sources say that when their troops heard of Roberts Smith’s antics in Afghanistan, they jumped for joy. He was just the sort of bloke they needed to help kick the Russians out. “Determined, hard as steel, cold as ice, and loyal as a Labrador,” said a senior Ukrainian officer. “We’d give him so many medals he wouldn’t be able to stand up. There’s a real future for this boy in Ukraine.”

Roberts Smith himself has been uncontactable recently. It is possible he has already traveled to Kyiv?

The Australian Government official said: “A chance to publicly redeem himself, doing pretty much what he was doing when he was damned; the possibility of being praised on the front pages of the same papers which now condemn him: it’s the stuff of Hollywood movies. I wonder if that Chris Hemsworth fella is available?”