BY OUR CORRESPONDENTS AS FAR AWAY FROM THE FRONT AS POSSIBLE

“THEY HAVE ALL SUMMER, there’s no hurry,” said the Presidential insider in Washington. “The golf and the tennis, however, they have strict timelines. So don’t be surprised when the Ukrainian offensive appears to stall, it’s just the Ukrainians taking a strawberries and cream break to watch some serious sports.”

Up and down the huge front line, individual Ukrainian units have been booking time out to watch golf and tennis. “Golf isn’t so big here,” said a major, “but it’s gathering interest – especially with all the CIA and MI6 people now in Kyiv. Wimbledon, however, is a must. Who doesn’t love tennis? And there’s the extra tension of our boys and girls playing Russians. I bet we get a request for a ceasefire for the Wimbledon fortnight. The Ruskis love tennis too.”

“Naturally, we would support a ceasefire for Wimbledon fortnight,” a Kremlin spokesman said. “Golf is more a western thing. Not so popular in Russia. Thirty two golf clubs in the whole country. I think they have more in Dublin. And look what a degenerate, craven, slavish lot they are. A waste of a good walk, someone said. The sure path to a mentally unstable society. But tennis, that is a combat sport. And our people will be watching Wimbledon. War or no war.”